Ugoku Origins: A Planeswalker Parody by ApAc

 

"The Demon And The Goblin"

                        A mighty roar echoed throughout the cavernous halls of the Ugrutentag, breaking the pre-dawn silence that sheltered the entire keep. Implings nesting on the alcoves shrieked with fright as the roar awakened them in panic. Numerous tiny wings fluttered to activity as they try to fly away from the source. None of them wanted to be near when the mighty roar gives way to the violent display of power that always followed. The thunderous sound continued to spread throughout the entire mountain keep, echoing from corridor to corridor as it went through the giant opening to the barren cliffs of the windy mountainside...

                      With a mouth-cracking yawn, a goblin with flaring nostrils and rotund belly tried to stand up half-heartedly from his bed of rocks. He was dreaming of a pastry he baked with his own boogers and was just beginning to put it into his mouth when the roar reached him in his tiny nook inside the keep. Unsure of what to do, the goblin picked his nose, harvesting a healthy amount of boogers. Remembering his dream, the goblin took a bite and stood up. The roar that awakened him from his wonderful dream was beginning to register, and, with a tiny squeal, he hastily gulped his entire breakfast as he ran towards the throne room. The mighty deity must need something, the goblin thought as he sped from corridor to corridor. His previous experience with the almighty has caused him to be more cautious and alert to the demon’s needs. Though he was deemed lucky in their standards, being lucky the third time is not what he had in mind for lunch.

            “Aiee! Not again… Not me!” the goblin blurted as he ran headlong to his destination.

Reaching the throne room just as the first rays of the sunrise invaded the cavernous room, the goblin ran towards the throne, unaware of gnawed imp bones littering the stone floor . Too late to notice and too focused on the throne, the goblin tripped, causing him to slide face first on the rough  floor. Fortunately for the hapless goblin, his continuous overflow of boogers lubricated most of his path, leaving him only a bump on his grazed forehead.

            “Utot, you imp-brained fool!” bellowed the giant figure occupying the throne. “Is there no end to your clumsiness?!”

            A strong grip reached for the goblin’s neck and raised his face in front of the figure’s eyes. His small feet dangling in the air, Utot slowly raised his eyes to his master’s, fearful of what would happen next. This is exactly the same way he got to be lucky the first time, he thought to himself.

            “Did you hear the news, you stupid gob?” the demon asked. “What news from the other demonic planes!”

            “Aiee!,” Utot shriked as he tried to slip away from the demon’s grasp. “I heard grave news sire from the interplanar cable tv…”

            Gulping nervously, the goblin whimpered, knowing the news his master wanted to hear. “I… heard… that… the… death witch… ummm…,” Utot said, unable to finish due to the vise-like grip on his neck. His green-tinged face was starting to turn blue. He tried to squirm out of the demon’s migthy grip, but the hand was as strong as the walls of the formidable Ugrutentag.

            “Out with it!” the demon shouted, flinging the hapless goblin down the dais.

            “Aiee!” Massaging his bruised neck, Utot knelt in front of the demon and prepared for the next worst thing. “I heard that the death witch DID IT AGAIN, oh strongest of us…”

            Closing his eyes in anticipation of the pain that would surely follow, Utot shivered uncontrollably. Since the demon occupied the king’s throne through murder of its previous tenant and became deity and ruler of their mountainous plane, pain has always been both reward and punishment from their ruler. As his dripping boogers started to create a tiny pool by his feet, he risked opening one eye to look at the demon. He expected his master to be furious, seething and foaming with anger at the news of another murder of his kind. His master’s flight from his previous plane to Utot’s home plane was an open secret, as well as the demon’s reason for his migration. Hidden in the farthest corner of the aether, his homeplane of Archandor was never a pleasing destination for offworlders, offering nothing but craggy cliffs and soaring mountains filled with warring tribes of highly unusual goblins. The demon’s arrival to the plane momentarily stopped the tribal feuds as their kings and commanders were easily overcome by demonic might. Setting himself as the almighty deity and powerful lord of the plane of Archandor, the demon took the grandest throne unto himself as sign of his lordship.

            Peeking through a swollen eye, Utot risked looking at the demon on the throne. For a second, he thought he was looking at a different demon. Its fanged mouth open with a soundless snarl and its blood-red eyes glazing with shock, the demon was shivering uncontrollably. His undersized wings were fluttering and his whip-thin tail was tucked neatly between his thick  legs. It was almost too much for Utot to control laughter as he was reminded of his late king’s final action before the demon took his head.

            “Umm… My lord,” Utot whispered.

            The demon did not move at the goblin’s sound.

            Utot stood slowly and, with another bold move, risked touching the tip of his master’s tail protruding between the demon’s legs. He played with it for a while, taking advantage of his lord’s momentary shock. He was preparing to put it into his mouth for a taste when suddenly, the demon spoke in hushed tones.

            “So the death witch is truly out to get us,” he said to himself. “I… was… right… all… along! She is a demon hunter and she seeks to end our kind!”

            “Aaargh!” the demon snarled suddenly as pain shot through his tail’s tip. Looking down between his legs, he found the goblin kneeling in front of him with his tail inside its mouth. It was daring for another bite when he pushed it away with a sweep of his arm. Turning his back on the goblin, the demon walked around the throne as he further mulled the latest news. His tail was beginning to throb but he chose to ignore the pain.

            “They laughed at me,” the demon murmured, thinking about his last conversation with his kind. “They said that I was a fool for thinking that she would come for me and that she only comes for the seven…”

            “Ha! Now, three or four of the seven are dead and good riddance I say…” he said as he sat on his throne. “But, if she could kill them easily, then perhaps she could kill all of us. Must I warn them?”

            He thought about the idea for a while but was reminded of his humiliation from his own kind the last time he was with them. His thick brows raising together in anger, he discarded his initial plan, then planned what to do next.

            Meanwhile, Utot lay below the alcove where his lord swept him, thinking regretfully about biting his master’s thin tail. Reminding himself not to do that again, he stood up, taking opportunity of his master’s concentration. Slowly he walked as he tried to make no noise towards the door. Stopping by the wooden door, he remembered that lunch would be near and that he could not survive on his boogers alone, he grabbed a half-eaten imp leg lying on the floor. Perhaps he can trade it for something better in the nearby warrens, he thought to himself. He then tried to close the door but it squeaked noisily on rusty hinges.

            Eeek, the door sounded, breaking the demon’s deep thought. Searching for the source of the blasted sound, the demon looked at the goblin closing the door. With a brilliant flash of idea, the demon stood up, raised his hand towards the door and summoned the goblin with demonic force. Flying through the room with  violent speed, Utot screamed with fright as he flew through the air towards his master’s upturned palm.

            “Utot, you stupid gob! You just gave me an idea!,” the demon shouted with cruel glee. “I shall deal with the death witch to prove myself to my kind!”

            With a loud snap, the demon’s fingers closed again on Utot’s thin neck. He tried to squirm but the grip was stronger than before. Looking timidly at his master, Utot wondered how things would end for him this day.

            Deep in planning, the demon forgot the goblin in his clenched fist. Down the dais he went, bringing the half-choked goblin along like a rag doll. Killing a witch intent on the death of powerful demons is a mighty task and it would require both cunning and power. If he is successful, he would have proved his might and gain the respect of his kind. They would ask his forgiveness and end the never-ending ridicule that always comes with his name. The endeavor was extremely dangerous yet infinitely rewarding.  

            “Unu d’ witch-killer..,” the demon murmured, dreaming of the success of his plan. “Unu d’ almighty…,” he said as he tried to think for a glorious title for himself. He even thought of a huge monument bearing his glorious title.

            He released the goblin in front of him and drew his full might. He inspected the blue-tinged goblin as it gasped for breath and momentarily considered if Utot can fit right into his diabolical plan. With boogers dripping uncontrollably down the whimpering goblin’s chest, Unu discarded the goblin in his idea.

            “Hmm..,” Unu said, “ I couldn’t use you in my plan. I need someone better. I need someone who isn’t as stupid as you!”

            Massaging his bruised neck, Utot glanced angrily at his master. He can make my nose bloated, he can fly and throw me anywhere, and he can wring my neck any time but he cannot call me stupid thought the goblin. Hurt with the insult, he stood up straight. He looked directly at his master’s eyes and, with a moment of bravery, answered his master’s tirade.

            “I am not stupid!..”

            “… sire!” he hastily added.

            Unu smirked at the defiant goblin. Their resiliency and momentary bouts of bravery  separated them from the other goblins in the vast multiverse. They will fit perfectly in his plan of destroying the death witch.

            “Very well,” the demon said. “Fetch me your best thief. I will have a very important mission for him.”

            “Er… we are not thieves… sire,” Utot answered, unsure of his master’s intent. “We are scroungers… we trade something of ours for the stuffs we take without permission…”

            “Thieving or scrounging, it is all the same to me! Just get me the smartest goblin that you can find! Bring him to me at once!”

            Subjugated by the demonic command, Utot bowed his head. It will take years before his master can learn the fine art of scrounging and its vast difference from thievery. Centuries of feuds between tribes has developed them into fine scroungers – a profession akin to bartering but on a higher class of its own. With a pang of regret, Utot suddenly missed his previous post as commander of a siege gang, leading his troops as they sneaked into their enemy’s camp and scrounge for useful items while leaving useless stuffs behind in exchange.

            “Yes sire,” Utot said as he went through the double wooden doors of the vast throne room.

            Smiling inwardly, the demon sat on his throne, thinking of his plan to destroy the death witch. He looked at the rock wall behind him, thinking of a golden plaque that would soon bear his name. Wiping the  drool on his chin, he dreamed of the day when everyone in the multiverse will know of his glorious title.     

            Everyone will know his name and tremble.

            “Unu d’ real strong,” he murmured greedily as a soft breeze entered the room through the vast opening on the east wall. As it was before dawn, silence again enveloped the cavernous room as the the demon was lulled into sleep with dreams of murder and glory. 

End of part 1